roselikeschips: (looking down sad)
[personal profile] roselikeschips
I've been feeling.... I don't know.

Weird.

First the insomnia...then just these anxious feelings- paranoia really...and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be paranoid about.

Every time I try to sit and write anything- be it a random rp post, a fanfic, even what I'm writing now, I just don't FEEL like doing it.

I get...confused.  Once again, I don't even know WHY I'm confused, what the reason behind it would even be.

I've been feeling like crying, just up and crying without any cause.  I could be having an AMAZING day, then suddenly, I'll have this mood swing (and no, I'm NOT pms-ing.  I don't ovulate- don't have a cycle- don't pms. sorry for the TMI).  But the mood swing will happen, then I'll feel overly anxious again, then confused, then I just get this...urge...to do things I wouldn't normally do.  Things I don't like to think about.

I smile all the time...if I don't smile, I'll cry, and I don't like crying.  I feel like I need a reason- like I need to be in pain because crying is all I want to do, and I have absolutely NO reason for it.

I get sick to my stomach thinking about how utterly disgusting, and messed up I am.

I had to think about writing this post.  Because I don't want pity.  I don't want someone to say, "I'm sorry."  I want someone to help me.

And I don't know how they can. Because I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to be online. I don't want to do anything except sleep.  And even then, I don't want to dream.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to feel.  I'm tired of it.

I'm just so...tired of it.

And it's really strange.  Because as I write this, I'm crying, but I know tomorrow (later today? it's 5am right now), I'm probably going to be online, and happy, and bubbly, and the typical Sarah that everyone wants me to be.  I might even want to rp something via aim.

I might talk to you about nothing and everything and be the happiest person in the world.

But once everything is quiet.  Once I lay in bed, and wait for sleep to overtake me for hours on end...my thoughts aren't so happy anymore.

Even then, when I'm laughing and smiling and showing everyone the blissful Sarah, this feeling is eating away on the inside.

Just a little bit with every second that passes...every millisecond...

And I hate how this is always my "excuse," because I see it as an excuse, and because I see myself as weak because of it.

I hate myself for it.  I hate how this feeling can just overtake me and rule my life, and I hate it that I can't do anything to stop it.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate it.

But no...no one is ever going to really, truly understand will they?  Because I'll always tell them that I'm fine.  Because feeling like this- burdening my friends to have to put up with me like this, it's not fair to them.  So I'll act like I'm fine.  And I'll smile.

I've always told you guys I'm a great actress.  Acting and you all never even knew it.

I don't want to be here. I'm tired of it.  I'm so tired and I can't sleep.

I don't want it.  I hate it.

Why can't I help myself? Why can't I fix it?

Nothing works.

Date: 2010-02-18 06:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com
I can't help. But I know who could. Take a look in your local paper or ask your doctor where you can talk to a therapist. It sounds like some extreme response, but when you feel bad, sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to, someone who can help when you feel pretty helpless.

Personally, I see a therapist once a week. Helps me with my chronic depression and overblown anxiety.

Other good places to go:

http://www.find-a-therapist.com

http://www.networktherapy.com/

Date: 2010-02-18 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackadder72.livejournal.com
Reading this was like reading someone chronicling what happens to me every night. It's hard to describe and my husband tries his best, but when I'm in the fetal position crying because I had a flash(not even a dream, just images that won't go away)about losing him and the kids, he doesn't quite know what to do other than try to hold my hand until it passes. Eventually, I did go to the doctor and found some help with medication. It's not 100% perfect and it certainly isn't the entire cure, but most days I feel like it at least levels the playing field for me so it doesn't happen as often as it did before. It's not an option for some people and I agree with the previous poster about therapy.

It may sound a little silly, but on really rough nights, I do what I call humor therapy to empty my mind. I watch old episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 or go to Television Without Pity and read recaps(Bar none, the early Smallville episodes and 7th Heaven recaps are some of the funniest out there. The X-Files recaps are hilarious and written by a very funny writer who also writes the Go Fug Yourself blog, which takes shots at some of the truly bad fashion in Hollywood) Basically, I just try to fill my head with things that make me smile and laugh before it can fill up with things I would never want to think about in good circumstances, let alone in bed. Granted, I may not sleep when I do this, but I'm just grateful not to be crying.

Oh, and as one funny, happy girl to another, sometimes you just have to allow yourself a break from being everything you think other people need you to be. It's okay not to be okay sometimes, as weird as that sounds. Sorry about the book, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Hope(blackadder72 from the DW Tearoom, SPDN, Doctor/Rose Fix)

Date: 2010-02-18 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sheisreturning.livejournal.com
*huggles*

And here you go...

Image

You know where to reach me.

<3

Date: 2010-02-18 07:47 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-02-18 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] omnicidalmaniac.livejournal.com
*Hugs* I don't know if you're seeing a doctor for this or not, but it sounds like you ought to think about it. It sounds like you might be bipolar--such severe mood swings make me think there's got to be a biochemical cause for it. (I'm not a doctor, but I am a paranoid schizophrenic and have been seeing one for almost thirteen years. I can relate, I really can.) A doctor could help you figure out the actual cause for it, and help you find the right thing to do about it, be it medication or therapy or both. You're not weak, and don't ever think so--the fact that you're dealing with life in spite of it speaks to how strong you must be.

If there's one thing I learned the very hard way, it's that you can't always fix things on your own. I know trusting people with something like that is really, really hard, but there are people out there who can help--not just doctors, but ordinary people. I know you don't know me from Adam, but I've been in that dark place and there is a way out, even if it's not easy to find. I know how alone things like that can make a person feel, but you don't need to be, and don't ever feel like you shouldn't ask for help when you need it. Some things just shouldn't be dealt with alone, or can't be. If you ever need or want to talk about it with someone, someone outside the immediacy of your life, my e-mail is steviethescribbler@gmail.com, and my AIM is VodouChild3000. I don't know how much I can help, but I can try, and I will if you need it. You don't have to be alone.

Date: 2010-02-18 08:15 pm (UTC)
with_discipline: (Awkward Archer hugs!)
From: [personal profile] with_discipline
There are a lot of good suggestions here already, and I'm sure I'll just end up repeating them, but talk to a doctor. I can understand not wanting to - I have PMDD, and I didn't want to really deal with it for a while. I'm a little luckier, it seems; PMDD isn't that bad. What you're describing pretty much sounds like PMDD but on a constant basis - and if you don't have a cycle, it likely isn't PMDD gone terribly wrong. Thing is, once I found out what it was, and had a decent chemical definition to deal with, it got to be a lot easier for me to handle. Those between weeks still suck, andit's hard to do a whole lot, but I think more along the lines of 'well, this is because my serotonin just peaced out, not because everyone hates me and thinks I'm awful at everything I do.' The change of perspective helped a lot, and maybe it'll help you out too.

My aim is FallenSun13 if you ever want to talk. I'm around a lot. <3

OOC - Oh, no, it is important. <3

Date: 2010-02-18 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] some-kinda-hero.livejournal.com
So, I want to try to help, because holy shit, I feel like I'm reading myself less than a year ago. I too didn't want to do ANYTHING I used to love. Not roleplaying or hanging with friends, no movies or TV, no reading (even if it was Harry Potter which can always cheer me up) no eating, no breathing, no moving, no sleeping, no nothing. I was so sick of hearing 'it will get better' because it wasn't as quickly as I wanted it to. And I too would randomly want to, or did, cry, and it was so frustrating to not know why and so annoying. And then yeah, sooner or later, the dark thoughts came, but I at least was in a, like a duel place, because on one hand, I very much wanted to drive my car into a tree, but on the other, I realized it was not the thing to do, that a lot of people would miss me, and I also over analyzed and felt bad for whoever had to clean me up or worried about causing accident if another car were involved. That's when I had to go see a therapist. Thankfully, it was free through my college at the time and even though I reeaally didn't want to go on meds, I went on Prozac until I was able to wean myself off and find things that made me happy again. It took a few months, but I got out of that dark place and am able to deal again. I made some changes (like getting rid of an emotional, mentally, and verbally abusive boyfriend) and the talking helped a lot. I am more than willing to share the information she gave me, in terms of sites and numbers, things to do when it gets bad again, etc. And if you really want to, I can talk this out with you on the phone. -hugs-

Date: 2010-02-19 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kittycow.livejournal.com
I'm glad you have lots of friends here to give you advice and help you out, and seem to be willing to listen to you talk about your problems. ;3; I worry about you~ And I miss you very much. Sometimes I think about how far away from eachother we are and it makes me sad because we can't hang like we want to and like, spend time away from our thoughts.

I hope things cheer up for you, and i'm always here for you too bb <33

Date: 2010-02-19 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hisui-yui.livejournal.com
Those kinds of feelings completely suck and I absolutely know where you're coming from. Sounds like you're dealing with some depression and anxiety issues. I have too/still am but talking with someone about it was super helpful for me.
I agree with the others who have suggested finding a therapist or counselor in your area to talk to about these feelings and concerns. :< What I did was call the insurance company I was covered under and had them look up counselors they knew would take my insurance. (It makes searching a bit easier.) And if you need anyone to talk to about the therapy process, what to expect, or even just someone to vent to I'm totally willing to talk with you! I know we're not super close or anything but feel free to chat me up (even if you're feeling fine!).
Wanting to help yourself is a great sign. I really hope you can find a good way to deal with everything! ; 3 ;

Date: 2010-03-01 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raberbagirl.livejournal.com
I'm late to reply, so I hope you're feeling better now. *hug*

I used to have random fits of depression too, where for no reason I just hated the world and myself, and would cry and be frustrated and angry and depressed. The answer to everything is Jesus...I don't want to preach or say what you should or shouldn't do, because I don't have the right to do that; all I can say is that that's what finally worked for me, taking my hurts to God. I hope things go well with you. *hug*

<3

Date: 2010-03-04 03:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roseoflegend.livejournal.com
Found my way here just by clicking about, and thought I'd leave you some love and well wishes.

<3

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