roselikeschips: (looking down sad)
[personal profile] roselikeschips
I've been feeling.... I don't know.

Weird.

First the insomnia...then just these anxious feelings- paranoia really...and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be paranoid about.

Every time I try to sit and write anything- be it a random rp post, a fanfic, even what I'm writing now, I just don't FEEL like doing it.

I get...confused.  Once again, I don't even know WHY I'm confused, what the reason behind it would even be.

I've been feeling like crying, just up and crying without any cause.  I could be having an AMAZING day, then suddenly, I'll have this mood swing (and no, I'm NOT pms-ing.  I don't ovulate- don't have a cycle- don't pms. sorry for the TMI).  But the mood swing will happen, then I'll feel overly anxious again, then confused, then I just get this...urge...to do things I wouldn't normally do.  Things I don't like to think about.

I smile all the time...if I don't smile, I'll cry, and I don't like crying.  I feel like I need a reason- like I need to be in pain because crying is all I want to do, and I have absolutely NO reason for it.

I get sick to my stomach thinking about how utterly disgusting, and messed up I am.

I had to think about writing this post.  Because I don't want pity.  I don't want someone to say, "I'm sorry."  I want someone to help me.

And I don't know how they can. Because I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to be online. I don't want to do anything except sleep.  And even then, I don't want to dream.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to feel.  I'm tired of it.

I'm just so...tired of it.

And it's really strange.  Because as I write this, I'm crying, but I know tomorrow (later today? it's 5am right now), I'm probably going to be online, and happy, and bubbly, and the typical Sarah that everyone wants me to be.  I might even want to rp something via aim.

I might talk to you about nothing and everything and be the happiest person in the world.

But once everything is quiet.  Once I lay in bed, and wait for sleep to overtake me for hours on end...my thoughts aren't so happy anymore.

Even then, when I'm laughing and smiling and showing everyone the blissful Sarah, this feeling is eating away on the inside.

Just a little bit with every second that passes...every millisecond...

And I hate how this is always my "excuse," because I see it as an excuse, and because I see myself as weak because of it.

I hate myself for it.  I hate how this feeling can just overtake me and rule my life, and I hate it that I can't do anything to stop it.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate it.

But no...no one is ever going to really, truly understand will they?  Because I'll always tell them that I'm fine.  Because feeling like this- burdening my friends to have to put up with me like this, it's not fair to them.  So I'll act like I'm fine.  And I'll smile.

I've always told you guys I'm a great actress.  Acting and you all never even knew it.

I don't want to be here. I'm tired of it.  I'm so tired and I can't sleep.

I don't want it.  I hate it.

Why can't I help myself? Why can't I fix it?

Nothing works.
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roselikeschips

December 2011

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