roselikeschips: (Rose wtf?!)
[personal profile] roselikeschips
 I'm reposting everything I just put on twitter... I don't know why. It's childish, and I'm stupid for even writing out what I'm feeling in the first place.  It's easier to keep it risk of confrontation.

Remember back in the day when we would be silly, random, and fangirl about stupid stuff yet be able to calm down and be normal when needed? ...and not because someone else wanted us to tone it down, but because WE wanted to?

I guess I just miss my friend.

Your boyfriend only tolerates me because of you. I'm a downer anyway. You were happier without me back in your life. You have my number. Call or text me if your phone number changes, but maybe I still need to grow up.

So goodbye. I know you aren't reading this, so I'll text you in the morning... maybe meet for lunch like we planned... then that's it.

To be clear, I'm not jealous of your boyfriend, or the fact you have one. I just don't want to make things harder for you. I'm not worth it.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty in any way either. I'm just tired of forcing myself in where I know I'm not welcome or invited.

Our so-called "friends" are your friends. Not mine anymore. Were they even mine, ever?

I may be too needy, but I NEED friends who will love me for me. I know I'm asking for too much. Those don't exist.

Like I said... I'm not worth it anyway.

So I'll wake up tomorrow, and act like everything is fine, because I don't want to burden you or anyone else. Fake smiles and laughter... tricking myself into thinking that I actually have seemed to be my only friend....

But even then, it feels like you're only doing it because you feel bad since you've known me forever.

I'm tired of making everyone go out of their way for me. I'm too childish and immature for my age anyway.  Obsessing over things/tv shows/actors/actresses is too childish for all of those so-called friends.  The one thing I never wanted to change about myself is what everyone hates about me.

It doesn't matter that I have a good normal job, I pay my own rent, I'm going back to school... none of it matters to them because all they see is the fangirl. Don't they realize that it's just a hobby? My own personal form of stress relief? THIS THE REAL ME.

... And obviously that's the me that they hate and want to change.

I was listening to a song earlier that makes me cry every time I hear it...

"Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become? Who will love me for me? Because nobody has shown me what love really means..."

So who WILL love me for me?
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December 2011

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