roselikeschips: (Rose wtf?!)
[personal profile] roselikeschips
 I'm reposting everything I just put on twitter... I don't know why. It's childish, and I'm stupid for even writing out what I'm feeling in the first place.  It's easier to keep it risk of confrontation.

Remember back in the day when we would be silly, random, and fangirl about stupid stuff yet be able to calm down and be normal when needed? ...and not because someone else wanted us to tone it down, but because WE wanted to?

I guess I just miss my friend.

Your boyfriend only tolerates me because of you. I'm a downer anyway. You were happier without me back in your life. You have my number. Call or text me if your phone number changes, but maybe I still need to grow up.

So goodbye. I know you aren't reading this, so I'll text you in the morning... maybe meet for lunch like we planned... then that's it.

To be clear, I'm not jealous of your boyfriend, or the fact you have one. I just don't want to make things harder for you. I'm not worth it.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty in any way either. I'm just tired of forcing myself in where I know I'm not welcome or invited.

Our so-called "friends" are your friends. Not mine anymore. Were they even mine, ever?

I may be too needy, but I NEED friends who will love me for me. I know I'm asking for too much. Those don't exist.

Like I said... I'm not worth it anyway.

So I'll wake up tomorrow, and act like everything is fine, because I don't want to burden you or anyone else. Fake smiles and laughter... tricking myself into thinking that I actually have seemed to be my only friend....

But even then, it feels like you're only doing it because you feel bad since you've known me forever.

I'm tired of making everyone go out of their way for me. I'm too childish and immature for my age anyway.  Obsessing over things/tv shows/actors/actresses is too childish for all of those so-called friends.  The one thing I never wanted to change about myself is what everyone hates about me.

It doesn't matter that I have a good normal job, I pay my own rent, I'm going back to school... none of it matters to them because all they see is the fangirl. Don't they realize that it's just a hobby? My own personal form of stress relief? THIS THE REAL ME.

... And obviously that's the me that they hate and want to change.

I was listening to a song earlier that makes me cry every time I hear it...

"Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become? Who will love me for me? Because nobody has shown me what love really means..."

So who WILL love me for me?

Date: 2011-03-08 05:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

If people don't appreciate you for you, then they're stoopid!

I love you for you because you're respectful, and kind, and decent, and you love and accept me for me.

My best friend and my fiance treat each other with respect, he hits her up when she upsets me, and she keeps him on his toes when he's being a complete douche. It's like mutual co-dependency. LOL

My point is, men come and go, friends, and I mean real, true friends, in every sense of the word, friends like that, they stay forever!

I'll be here if you need me. <3

Date: 2011-03-08 06:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I texted her and asked if I could come over. I arrived and apparently everyone (the so-called friends and her boyfriend who hates me) were playing a game. I obviously wasn't invited as usual, and now I feel like I'll be making a scene if I leave. I just want to spend time with my friend! I miss her and she doesn't even realize what she's doing because everyone loves her and she doesn't miss anyone....

So I'm sitting here in her room, crying silently because I don't want them to know, because then I'm just being dramatic and it's just another reason for them to add to the list of things they don't like about me.

Date: 2011-03-08 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're totally worth it. I know I already said this, but you need to see it again. YOU'RE AWESOME. It's okay to be sad and to be hurt, and it's okay to ask for help, too.

As far as fandoms go, being creative and fangirly is fun! Hey, I'm way older than you, and I still do it. XD I LOVE IT. There's nothing wrong with doing something that you love unless it's being a child molester COUGH. Life's too short to stop doing something you like just 'cause you think other people don't like it. There's always a compromise in situations like those, and I know you'll find it and still have tons of fangirly fun. I BELIEVE IN YOU~ <3

Date: 2011-03-08 11:03 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-05 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I thought this was just your RP journal. Didn't know you'd entirely switched over...

Anyhow, I know this is a month ago (ooh, so this is sorta like time travel! :D ), but I hope the future finds you a better person! I don't know if you know this, but by now, I've moved in with everyone. We just had Jason's Deli yesterday, and it was lovely.

You seemed happy, but if anyone knows about putting on a mask so others can be at ease, then it's me. I don't think you're a useless friend, really. I count you amongst my best friends.

I can't really speak for anyone else, but I know your best friend loves you. And as for the boyfriend... well, he hates everyone except her, so you're in good company, look at it that way. :P But I can't really be too harsh with him, since I know he's got his own fair share of emotional issues he's working through. I mean, give him a break, he's us when we were younger. :/

Anyhow, see you in a month! 8D


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